a loaded gun

20 minutes before the day I was born 23 years ago. 

Happy becoming 23 years old, Ega. I don't have wishes but I do have dreams and I know for sure I'm going to make it happen. I know its coming.

Some questions have been revealed, others still remain silence. Another question has been found one by one waiting for answers. 

August 16th is coming very soon. I can see you 23.

Recap

Just another hopitalized day in this good prison. Or,
Same as it should be, prison in a better manner called hospital.

Well, that's is not the topic, hanya ingin nge-recap obrolan dengan seorang teman.

Tadi siang, dia bertanya, mau ampe kapan kayak gini terus? Kenapa ga ambil action? Kalo makin lama akan makin sakit loh nanti. Don't get me wrong gue suka banget liat dia tapi you know,Ga.

Disaat itu ada yang menjawab, mau ambil action apa? Semua ada waktunya. Mau beda apapun juga masalahnya jg ujung-ujungnya seperti ini. We need a sign, like the clouds give its signals to us before raining. Semuanya ga pas kalo dilakukan disaat fine dining romantis baik-baik trus udah. Gue juga gamau actionnya dipaksain. Gue ga mikirin putusnya dan those fantastic memories or even the pains, i dont really care about it. Seolah-olah kalo mikir kayak gitu ngebuat lo itu ga pernah menikmati selama bahagianya, ga mensyukuri waktu yang lo punya, tapi buat gue the only thing missing must be a blessing. Gue gatau kenapa ini bisa jadi sebuah blessing tetapi melalui ini gue bisa melihat sesuatu hal yg benar menjadi lebih nyata karena gue jauh lebih memaknai itu, termasuk kepada Tuhan. We learned holy bible together.


Dan perbedaan point of view memang tidak bisa dihindari. 

never say forever

Should i write one theory about forever to make it valid?
Forever is too much, nothing lasts forever. Not even the feeling.

Sequel moments of bad experience i just had.
And again I need my time alone, need a space to move on.

It was a cheesy ride, a trigger to the fireworks.
I just lose my control and find my self in temper.

Now, I am thinking and it's not a justification.
When the last time I am thinking about my self?
Thinking what I really want in this life.

I guess lie is part of the adjustment.
I have a state of memories, remember.
Which is help to recognize whether the lying shows up or not.
That was a past of yours. I really hate it, the one I can't forget every inch of it.

It was a cheesy ride, I found my self in temper.
I will never get the recognition, how much I tried to prove my self.
You will never learn anything from me.
I get bored and take it casually.

Never say forever when you can't live with it.
It such a long time.
Do not ever waste your time.

space

It was a book about space.

A space i'm talking in here is about galaxies, stars, moon,planets, and else.

There was one time when someone gave me this book.

He was calling me only asked whether I want it or not.

Before it happened, he already gave me a bunch of astronaut toys.

He knew how I really wanted to be an astronaut, and also we both knew that it is impossible.

Anyways, he was a good friend of mine.

After he gave me that book, he told me that never stop believing. You will never know what the future brings. It sounds impossible but we still don't know, right? Even if it's not happening, the best and the biggest is never shows up, I gave you bunch of these to reminds you what is the best in your life, how life treated you, how you chase your dream, and how you should beat the impossible. The most important thing is how you believe in yourself when you pursue that dream.

So, astronaut things is never happening, my family against it. But, i still have this faith. 

That was kind a lesson for me, make a big change for my life, influential. 

And, i still have this dream to see earth from the moon. Of course, it's not easy. 

I have another dream to be chased, still everyone against.

It's so sudden, people said. But, it's not for me. I already had it from the beginning of my college time.

First, i know it seems so impossible but someone told me how to get there and it is possible. 

By doing it, i could be in the moon one day before i die. I need to get that job and I really want it.

When i see my self right now, typing this blog. 

I'm thinking about my self and how selfish my self to be. 

People who care about me against it but i am still stuck with my dream.

One thing for sure, the feeling I have about chasing dream is like I don't care how suffer I am losing those lovely people in my life as long as I am living in my dream.

I know, it's not gonna easy.

pagi menyambut

Is it normal that you want to unfriend everyone? not be someone's best friend or lover?

Shit, i miss my time without cellphone.
Damn! how i miss watch movie alone.
Or at least, do my old activities.
I really wish that i could meet new people.
I miss the award and punishment things.

I don't know maybe i just get bored. Fuuuuuccccckkkkk!!!!!

everyone needs their time to be alone, right?

The sky is blue when the grass feeling so warm and green.
The sky is moving when i am driving my car.
The sky is cloudy when i am smoking.
The sky is smiling when i am listening to the music.
The sky is (still) up there when you are not around.

It can't play or even hear the honk cause your screaming.
It can't move cause your wrinkles.
It can't think cause your silence.
It can't jump cause your bitterness.
It can't be sad cause your tears.
It can't be mad cause your complication.
It can't be happy cause your mind.
It can't be louder cause you already be the loudest.

The car still moving, the road still with its business.
The coffee tastes bitter but the pancake pursuit for its sweetness.
The cigarette still be the best companion.
The drama still playing on the laptop.
And it still hate the tune, because the old-fucking-your-glorious days.

You're still having sex with your mind.
You're still kissing with your mood.
You're still seducing with all your reasons.
You're still orgasm with all your pains.
You're still gasping with your tune.
You're still get the climax with your scream.

It's too loud.
It's seducing me.
It's stopping me.

Somehow and sometime, it's hurting me in a way you can't understand.
In the meantime, silent is like a scream in another means.
In the process, get mad for silly things is better rather than to compromise with the atmosphere.
In a long time, the competition isn't with or about you, but with the old-fucking-your-glorious days.
In a long time, the question is (still) how to make you proud without hearing your screaming, yelling, crying, complaining, complications?
I guess the riddle still show me the huge labyrinth.
I am still hoping that I won't lose the path to achieve the goal.
I am still wishing that I won't lose control to achieve the award.
Not again, not a chance, not anymore.

Despite all of that,
I love you free. I love you freely.
No, it's bullshit.

Despite all of that,
The sky gives a sign that rain will come soon. Our favorite movie is stop playing.
No, it's a lie.

Despite all of that,
The songs we played the most is missing. Our coffee turns to be a giant killing machine.
No, it's impossible.

Despite all of that,
The time is stop working. We are freezing cause our planet lose its gravitation.
No, it's a joke.

Despite all of that,
We are running out of cigarette. Our conversation is getting dry.
HA! No, just messing around.

The truth is,
Hi, it's me and there you are.
I've been searching for you in a very long time.

The truth is,
We are become a giant killing machine for each of us.
Me with the silence, and you with the yelling.

The truth is,
I feel so tiny when you around. I can't be superior when you are here.
It feels like all my dreams and all my thoughts are silly.

The truth is,
I want to see you until you stop yelling at me.
But, sometimes, I can't understand why yelling be the first option.

The truth is,
I am waiting for you everyday.

The truth is,
I am trying to make you proud of me. I am dying to see my name on your blog.
I am wanting you praise how smart I am compared to Socrates dan Aristoteles.

The truth is,
The only thing I see in your blog is how devastated you are when I say "I'm not happy with you".
How crumbled I am to see it.

The truth is,
The person I hate the most is myself and I can see that you start loving your self.
That's good.

The truth is,
I lose my confidence. I lose my maturity. I lose my sanity. I lose my pride.

The truth is,
I am nothing for you. I am only your driver, the one who only pay your bills, the one who willing spend time and money for you, the one who will always be your impingement. Your loyal and royal slave.

The truth is,
I want you to stop yelling, angry, and whatever it is. I am not a stupid donkey who will only understand if it gets flogged.

The truth is,
Be happy, be merry. The sky is not fall yet and the planet still in its eclipse. We still can feel the gravitation but it's okay when we are drowning to the minimum oxygen capacity.

The truth is,
There you are thinking how selfish I am cause you just through your rough week on your graduation and you're not even forget it yet. Okay, I know. See, never one good thing about me crossed in your head.

The truth is,
I don't know. It's me asking for not ever yelling at me.

The truth is,
I love you. I love you. I love you. With all my hearts, will all my strengths, with all my deficiency, with all my stupidness, with all my capacities, with all my abilities, with all my logics. 

E

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Biarlah bisu tetap menjadi bisu. 

Jejak yang ada pada nantinya tidak akan berbekas seperti yang lainnya meninggalkan bekas.

Bagaimana dunia ini memperlakukanku begitu fana tetapi dengan yang lainnya bisa memberikan keabadian. 

Kutatap jemari kecil itu, menciumnya dan hanya bisa memberikan kebebasan tanpa menoleh ke belakang.

Tapi rasanya aku sudah tidak bisa merasakan.